“What do you guys call Canadian Bacon?” I asked my Canadian friend and guide Jon Breithaupt.
“Ham,” he said with a heavy air of exasperation one has when answering the same dumb question for the thousandth time.
That’s when it occurred to me, with so many Americans threatening to pull up stakes and head up north if the candidate of their choice for President doesn’t win, there are probably a few things it might behoove them to know before planting the For Sale sign in front of the family home.
1. Southern Ontario is where you’ll probably be happiest and most Canadians already hate Toronto.
Vancouver is overrun with real estate speculation, and even with a favorable exchange rate the cost of housing is outrageous. Regardless of where you’re from, the city and Greater Toronto Area (GTA) will feel most like home for many Americans. It has everything from the cosmopolitan feel of New York, Chicago, and San Francisco to the strip malls and traffic jams of LA. The surrounding countryside gives way to beautiful rolling farm lands and forests. As an added bonus, you won’t have to worry about being disliked as most Canadians already loathe the city and its surrounding environs.
2. Canadians drink lots of coffee and most of it is bad.
Canadians will queue for hours on Christmas morning for coffee from a Tim Horton’s drive-thru. It is far and away the most popular fast food chain in Canada. I once visited a small town with one McDonalds, one KFC, one Burger King and six Tim Horton’s. The funny thing is, Horton’s coffee is not very good, which probably goes a long way towards explaining why their single most popular order is a Double Double, a large coffee with two sugars and two creams.
3. Canada has health care for all… Canadians.
Forget the North American Free Trade Act, the US Congress has insured that none of us ever have to worry about being tainted by socialized medicine. As a general rule, your healthcare ends at the border and Canada is under no obligation to provide you with theirs. Get sick in Canada and it’s all cash and carry unless you become a naturalized citizen.
4. Canada is a dietary nexus between the US and Great Britain.
Most Americans don’t realize Canada didn’t secure its independence from England until about 149 years ago. As a result, there’s a great deal of British influence in the day-to-day culinary life of most Canadians. At the same time, some of the best and worst eating habits of their cousins to the south come rolling over the border like a three thousand mile wide tsunami. Things like hot dogs, hamburgers, HP sauce, tea, and fish and chips abound throughout the land. Then there are the truly Canadian foods.
5. You want gravy with that?
This is a question Americans ordering French fries must become accustomed to while staying in Canada. Gravy is second only to maple syrup as Canada’s national beverage. Gravy is a major dietary staple and primary component of poutine, an amalgam, or melange as the French Canadians say, of French fries, scalding hot brown gravy, and cheese curds. My local supermarket offers three varieties of salsa (mild, medium and hot), while a few aisles over there is a ten-foot wide, eight-shelf high selection of canned, jarred and powdered gravies.
Gravy, anyway you want it.
6. Not just for kids anymore.
Americans walking into the average Canadian supermarket for the first time are often surprised to find huge displays containing case after case of a quick meal product called Kraft Dinner, otherwise known in the US as the powdered cheese after-school staple of middle schoolers everywhere, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.
Canada’s leading dinner dish.
7. If you love Mexican food, do not move here.
No more needs to be said about this.
8. It’s not all aboot the language, eh?
Pro tip, inserting “aboot” and adding “eh” into every conversation is about as likely to impress Canadians as much as my asking my friend Jon what he called Canadian Bacon did. They’ve heard it all a gazillion times before. As Jon observed, “you may want to expect some groans and more than a few eye rolls if you keep doing that.”
9. Canadians are the most courteous people in the world, until….
In Palm Springs, where I’m from, wintering Canadian snow birds are viewed as a discourteous driving menace. Locals attribute this to the fact that most snow birds are for the most part elderly drivers. Turns out the lot of them are a menace.
As I observed in an earlier post, they’ll block a lane change as if fending off foreign invaders, tailgate anyone for miles, and cut you off in a heartbeat if you even think about moving into the passing lane.
10. Yes the grass is green and the sun does shine.
Perhaps it’s because Canada embraced the nickname The Great White North many Americans, who have no problem envisioning tanned, blond haired, blue eyed Swedes frolicking in the summer sun, don’t seem to be able to see their cousins to the north as anything but fur parka wearing Inuits constantly digging their way through the snow into and out of igloos. The summers up here are lovely, the fall is gorgeous, and spring can be a riot of color depending on what part of this big bold beautiful nation you’re visiting.
9, Lol, imagine what people would be like driving in the US if they weren’t worried about getting shot at?
9, Lol, imagine what people would be like driving in the US if they weren’t worried about getting shot at?
Absolutely love your writing style AND content. Makes me want to visit our neighbors to the North!